Humble Pie

When I decided to start a blog - I thought it would be a good way to accomplish two things: 

• to journal my thoughts and 
• to keep my friends up-to-date on my life

What I didn't expect was the sheer humiliation of laying your thoughts out there for the world to see.  As I lie in bed this morning, I remembered yesterday's post about Shifting Priorities - and I was embarrassed.  I imagined someone reading it and thinking things like, "Get over yourself - you had secret hopes of celebrating your anniversary when you were dealing with people who had lost everything?????".  I then imagined most of the world's population and thought about the countless women who just strive day to day trying to make ends meet and who wish they had the luxury, time and money to even contemplate a nice evening out.  AND then I thought about the hungry children, and the enslaved and - well, you get the picture. 

The bottom line of my thoughts was this:  How could I have written about such a shallow thing?  I hope no one read it.  And how can I be laying in bed thinking about how I looked in yesterday's blog when there are way more important things I could be concerned about?  What an idiot!  I should have never started a blog.

Then, somewhere in my shame, I remembered that I am not all of those people that I would be embarrassed to have read yesterday's post .  I am me.  And God, through His son Jesus Christ, is working in me.  He is gently (and slowly) cutting out the selfishness and replacing it with selflessness.  He is transforming me and He knows what He is dealing with and none of it shocks Him.  And maybe He will use this blog to do that.  How humbling.

So, part of the transformation is eating humble pie.  So, if anyone ever reads this, have hope that God can change you too.  And sometimes part of that change is confessing how shallow your thoughts can be.  Sometimes growing is learning that humble pie is nutrition for the soul - even if it doesn't look good to eat.

Shifting Priorities

"Hey, Tam, the soonest weekend we can get to NYC for Hurricane Relief is the weekend of our anniversary...."

"Then I guess we'll be doing Hurricane Relief work on our anniversary."

"Are you sure you're OK with that?"

"Yes"

I don't remember exactly how the conversation went - but that was the gist of it.  And I wasn't really positive that I was OK with doing relief work on my anniversary - but I wanted to be OK with it.

So the trip was set for November 29-December 2. We would be sleeping at MNYBA (Metropolitan New York Baptist Association ). Sleeping separately in male and female dorms at the Baptist Mission house in Manhattan.

"Maybe we will go out for a nice dinner - we will be staying in the the Upper West Side of Manhattan - we can ditch the team we're taking to NYC for for a few hours." That was my secret thought as we were planning and organizing the trip.  Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE food - so, maybe God was going to slip in a little blessing by letting us eat something yummy in NYC.  You know, pay us back for sacrificing our anniversary for Him....Honestly, I had those thoughts.

We got to NYC on November 29 - 13 men/boys and 3 women/girls - the day before our anniversary.  One of my responsibilities was to prepare the meals for our team.   I  was still thinking that on our anniversary I could cook for everyone and then suggest to my hubby that we sneak off for dinner.

On the morning of our anniversary, we set off to the Rockaways in Queens. Mold.  Mildew.  Possessions destroyed.  Because I had pulled my back, I wasn't able to do the hard relief work.  So, I was the meal prep girl and I got to talk to people in the community and hear their stories.  Heartbreaking stories.

One lady, Michelle, told me about a friend of hers who drowned in the flood caused by Hurricane Sandy.  Not only was Michelle's home destroyed, but she was in deep grief as she was trying to salvage pieces of her life from her water-damaged home.  She told me about how she felt like everyone had forgotten them - the federal government, the local government, the news. Then she said, "except the church people. The church people have been here every day helping our community." Then she cried. And I cried.

As we drove back to Manhattan that evening, we all shared stories about the clean-up we had done and the people we met.  An NYPD cop had prayed for us - and given us money to offset the cost of our trip, another man had just returned to his home to do clean-up only to realize that it was too much for him to do alone - then our team knocked on his door.  A Jamaican lady - whose house had not been as effected let us use her bathroom.  The stories continued in this manner.

Back at the mission that night, as I was preparing dinner, a thought popped in my mind, "This is EXACTLY how I want to spend my anniversary - cooking for people who spent their day doing relief work." And right after the thought crossed my mind - I realized that God was up to something in me. He was changing my priorities! This thought was not a normal Tammy thought. This thought was the work of God.

I have never considered myself high maintenance - but anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated in style - right?   Well, God enabled me to not only be OK with celebrating my anniversary dinner in a Baptist Mission House with 14 other people - He enabled me to delight in it!

So, we ate with the Relief team in the mission kitchen and we all walked down to Times Square and I went back to the girls dorm to sleep and my husband went to the guys dorm and I was at peace.

Thank God for His peace.

Thank God for shifting my priorities.

Oh - and we went out to dinner to celebrate our 21st anniversary when we got home from New York.

Thank God for that too.

Random thoughts on Transformation

God is on the move.  I know that is obvious to many people.  But He is on the move in ME.  He has been since I was 10 years old when He got a hold of me.  Sometimes His work in me has been slow and my transformation has been imperceptible.  But in the past few years, I have sensed the He is going to do something in me, my husband and kids that is a little more obvious. 

For the past few years, Marshall and I have had a desire to be in full-time ministry.  We are particularly concerned about the poor, the mistreated, children and the spiritually lost.  When you look at the numbers that each one of those categories represent - we have ALOT of concern!  It can be overwhelming - where do we even begin?

As we have read books like Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Radical by David Platt - they have not necessarily shaped us - but they have confirmed what God has already been whispering to us.  The idea of selling everything and giving to the poor sounds wonderful - but how do you determine where to go and to whom to give?

So, the last few years, we have had more questions then answers. More mental uneasiness than ease.  And more discomfort with the typical American Dream than comfort.  Everything seems to be up for grabs:

• how we worship (Is this really what Jesus had in mind?)
• how we help people (Is this really helping anybody - or does it just make us feel better about ourselves?)
• where we live (Do we really need this big of a house?)
• how we spend money (Date nights  - Haven't there been really healthy marriages for thousands of years without spending so much money every week on an a nice evening just to celebrate us? Could that money be put to better use AND we STILL have a great marriage - maybe even a better one?)
• how we live (Are we demonstrating true Christianity to our kids or some sort of watered-down version that really isn't all that challenging or inspiring or even true?)

The only thing that has not been "up for grabs" is our relationship with Jesus.  He has been the rock admidst this sea of questions.  And, I believe, HE is the one who is whispering many of these questions in our ears.

So, now, I am looking forward to how He answers this swirling tide of questions!  And I invite you to join me in praying, questioning, listening and struggling as we strive to hear Him, love Him and obey Him.

To God be the Glory!  Amen.