The first time was when I was a senior in college. One Friday night, I found myself all alone with nothing to do. All of my housemates were out with the guys they were dating. So, I called various people, but they all had plans. Feeling the slow creep of loneliness and self-pity, I decided to call a freshman girl “Hey, what are you up to tonight?”, I asked. “I’m going out with your brother!” was her response. “What??” (I thought) That was the final straw! I became angry, feeling left out and lonely. Over the next week or so , I paid attention to the fact that everyone was dating someone - except for me..... I became sad, jealous and depressed. Ultimately, I became mad at God. I felt like I had served Him the best I could and He really didn’t care if I ended up lonely and friendless. I literally felt my heart growing hard, as if I was walking around with a block of ice inside my chest.
During this time, I worked at a TV station on campus. Rumor had it that my boss was a Christian, but he had never mentioned anything to me about his faith. He was a just a regular old grumpy boss. Well, about a week into my time of loneliness and bitterness, my boss came out to my desk and sat and just looked at me. “Oh Great”, I thought, “Why is this man here?” After a moment or two, he said, “Do you believe that God talks to people?” I couldn’t believe it! My boss had never talked about much of anything, much less his faith and, now, when I was mad at God, he suddenly wants to talk! So, I looked at him and said something sarcastic like, “God can do anything, so I guess if he wanted to talk to someone, He could.” “Well” he replied, “The other day I was driving to Charlottesville and I was praying as I drove. At one point, I prayed for you and as I was praying, the Lord showed me how much he loves you. His love for you was so personal and deep that I started crying. I was crying so hard that I had to pull the car over and just weep over how beautiful his love for you is.” As he said this, his eyes were welling up. “I don’t know what you are going through right now, but God wants you to know that he really really loves you. He cherishes you and he has a plan for your life.” As he spoke, I felt my rock hard heart slowly soften and melt. I couldn’t believe it! I had been angry at God, and he turned around and sent me a message of love and hope!
When I got off work, I ran all the way to my apartment. When I got there, I was relieved to see that none of my housemates were home and I just started rejoicing. All I could say was “He loves me” “You love me” “You really love me” “Thank you! Thank you!” This personal message from God ignited my faith. God loves me. God is with me. Immanuel.
So, I did end up getting married. My husband, Marshall, and I served the Lord through youth ministry and worship team and an inner city church plant in Orlando. I also had a miscarriage in Orlando. This left me with a fear that I would never be able to have children. But the fear did not consume me or steal my joy. I still remembered that Jesus is Emmanuel, God with me, and that he cherishes me especially in hard times.
Just before Christmas, in 1996, we moved to Miami to help start a church there. In 1998, I had my first son, Isaiah. The name Isaiah is related to the name Jesus. They both mean “God saves”. But after my son Isaiah was born, I didn't feel “saved”. I found myself crippled by postpartum depression. I felt overwhelmed by my lack of parenting skills. I started having thoughts like, “You are a horrible mother” and “Why don’t you just run away?”. We were also having some significant conflicts at the church and life was just generally not going well. I felt like I was slipping into a pit and that no one could get me out......Not even God. I felt forgotten.
One day, I had the thought “Go over to the knife drawer and just end it all. Your husband will remarry and find a better wife and your son will have a better mother”. I was shocked by the thoughts. I didn’t understand how I could have handled my miscarriage with faith but I couldn’t handle a crying baby and relational conflict with friends. I had never understood how someone could call themselves a Christian and be depressed. I had never understood how anyone could rationalize taking their own lives. And, yet, here I was entertaining thoughts of suicide and somehow, it felt like the noble and right thing to do.
I knew that these thoughts were a lie, but I could not shake them. I felt like I was just stuck in a pit and there was no way out. I knew my thoughts were wrong, and it took all of my strength to resist giving into them. This time there was no boss with a word from God to instantly melt my heart. I had to fight for my faith. I had to fight to believe.
Day after day, I made myself get up and take care of my child and immerse myself in song lyrics like “It is well with my soul”. And day after day, I struggled to really believe.
We ended up deciding to leave Miami and move to Maryland and start life afresh. Slowly, through meditating on the truths that are found in the Bible, I came out of my depression.
Since that time, I have learned more about spiritual warfare. The new Testament of the Bible mostly talks about Jesus and how to live knowing Him. But sometimes the Bible talks about the Enemy of our souls. The Bible says that the Devil is a liar. I have come to learn that when I was having thoughts like “Nobody likes you” or “You are a horrible mother. Just run away.” Those thoughts are evil lies, from the pit of hell. And now if these thoughts were to ever try to return, I resist them and recognize that they are lies. I can say to wrong thinking “Stop, in the name of Jesus!”
Not only is this Enemy a liar, but he is also a thief. This thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. He wants to destroy any peace or joy we have. But Jesus has come that we may have life, and have it abundantly. I have come to realize that this abundant life isn’t in having a husband or being a perfect mother or being rich or going on fancy vacations. The abundant life in Jesus is the peace and hope that He gives us. This peace and hope is there regardless of any circumstance.
So, this Christmas, let’s rejoice that baby Jesus was born! Let’s rejoice that He left the comforts and beauty of Heaven to be born into a filthy stable, surrounded not only by dirty animals - but also by people who would doubt and mock Him. This baby grew up to die a horrific death on our behalf. This baby’s name is Jesus - God saves - and Emmanuel - God is with us. Through faith in Him, I have learned the secret of being content in every circumstance, whether well-fed or hungry, whether rich or poor, whether surrounded by friends or sitting all alone.
To anyone who is fearful, in Him is a fearless life.
To anyone who is lonely, in Him is true Friendship.
To anyone who feels forgotten, He remembers you.
To anyone who is depressed, He is the reason to be JOYFUL.
To anyone who feels hopeless, He is the reason to be hopeful.
To anyone who has been a victim, in Him there is Victory.
To anyone who thinks Jesus isn't real, HE is alive!
I encourage you to not believe the lies swirling around in your head or the lies that are swirling around in our culture. I can confidently tell you that Jesus loves you and rejoices over you.
He was born to save you.
And His love is enough, no matter what.
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